A Cockroach Bit My Balls

Most nights, I sleep naked. It is more a necessity than a choice; It's just so hot. It is usually a struggle—do I keep the window open and put on shorts, or close it so I can be naked. It is surprising how much hotter I feel in just a thin pair of shorts. A few nights ago, I chose the naked option. Bad choice.

As I got into bed, a nice breeze blew over the bamboo walls of my Fijian bure and circulated throughout. It was rainy, which made the mosquitoes want to find solace inside, so I had a mosquito coil burning. The house was filled with its pungent smell. I drifted of to sleep quite easily.

The way I awoke was much harsher. I lifted my head and blinked my eyes, trying to get my bearings. Recognizing where I was, and deciding not much time had passed since I fell asleep, I laid back on my pillow. Then I felt it. An intense burning on my scrotum.

I instinctively brushed away whatever was causing the pain. Instantly, I smelled the foul aroma of a scared stink bug. The stink bugs in Fiji are tiny, about half the size of the average pinky fingernail. I began feeling around on the mattress for such an insect to brush it off of the bed. I didn't feel anything so I turned on the flashlight on my iPhone. I looked around but saw nothing. My nether region was still burning so I stood up. There, under my scrotum, was a big, black Oriental Cockroach.

I brushed the roach off the bed and onto the floor, picked up a nearby bucket, and smashed it repeatedly until I was sure it had paid for its sins. It was about two inches long and an inch wide. These cockroaches give off a stink bug-esque smell and it filled the room.

My nads were still burning so I quickly went to my phone and googled what kind of cockroach it might be and if it has a habit of laying eggs beneath human skin. That was the scariest thing I could think of and I had to make sure it was not possible. I read that the Oriental Cockroach rarely bites humans. So I guess I got lucky. It was over an hour before I could muster the courage to fall back asleep.

Needless to say, I have been sleeping in shorts since then. I am now on a mission to eradicate them from my home and welcome any tips. My balls have since returned to their normal state. The cockroach was carried away in the morning by an army of ants and I felt no sympathy as they tore him into pieces that were easier to carry. When living in a house filled with all kinds of critters, it is a good idea not to sleep naked. Take it from me, because learning the hard way is no fun at all.